i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize