Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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