another moral hangover. fuck.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
