He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
