Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
