I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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