I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
