The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
