No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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