In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
its liver damage thursday
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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