I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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