if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize