I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
