Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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