I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
