When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
