I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
