he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
