Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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