Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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