My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
a search helicopter?!
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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