I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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