Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
operation have a gay friend backfired
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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