Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
