There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
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