I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
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