I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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