Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
smell my finger.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
