you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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