Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize