Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize