I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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