If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
