did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
