i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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