We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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