i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
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