I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
