I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
