Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
