I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
