There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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