Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I AM VODKA MAN
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
