I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
