The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
