I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
