I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Randomize
