She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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