fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
