So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
