3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize