He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
