I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
