I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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