I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
