I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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