I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
