Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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