Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize