if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
