Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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