I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
