i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
