1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
