I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
